SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!!!
So I'm really angry about something that nobody wants to hear me complain about. THIS IS WHERE YOU COME IN LIVEJOURNALLLLLLLLLL!!!

So I've been dreading re-enrolling, but for pretty lame reasons. I was thinking of taking a semester off and I can't be fucked deciding whether I will or not. But I dragged myself to the computer to look through this year's handbook (ie distracting myself from an assignment) to see what subjects I might take. I click on the gender studies section, as, after all, it is my major. Students starting in 2007 were the last to be able to do gender studies as a major at Melbourne uni. So clickity clack I go.

I find there that I've taken 2 out of three (so I've filled my pre-requisite) core subjects. I still have to take 5 or 6 more gender studies to complete my major. That's cool, there are 20 or so subjects I remember, should be good. Except I find that out of those 20 subjects, 10 of them have been cut. Only 1 is available to do next semester - and it's about cyber-reality. The ones left are the least gender studies specific.

I'm not a real idiot - I know that they're trying to more or less phase gender studies out. The university has ended it as a major for any students studying this year or after it. Lucky me, they let me in. Except there are only 10 subjects left. Out of 20. This cut was done in one year. I'm pissed, sure. I have to decide between the subjects that I don't want to do and the ones I really don't want to do, and even university staff have to admit that's a pretty shit way to learn. But hey, not that big a deal right?

Except I finish uni in 2011, not in 2009 like most gender studies students. So now I'm real pissed. Will there be any subjects left for me to do to finish my major? Do I have to cram all my gender studies subjects into the next year? Will I have to switch my major? Or switch universities? So now I'm super duper pissed. It's inflated by the fact that I'm sitting here trying to get an econometrics assignment that's worth 5% done - a shitty assignment for a shitty subject full of selfish shits (non-shitface exceptions exist, but not enough to make a real difference). I'll probably fail this subject, but lots of people will pass it. But I don't fail gender studies subjects. I'm real good at them - super good at them. And I love them.

It sounds stupid to be so attached to an area of study, but I am. I really am. I had a real shit adolescence. I had encountered feminism in a second-hand way through bands like Le Tigre and Sleater-Kinney but beyond that I was like the first half of an episode of Touched By An Angel (you know, the bit where the person fucks up their life and cheats on their wife or something) if it was about feminism and not about Christianity and Tess the angel was Bell Hooks. A fucked up queer kid (who didn't know what queer meant) with a real bad eating disorder. I hated every doctor and counselor and therapist I ever went to (except for one, but I hated him when he said that body dysmorphia probably made it real hard for me to have a boyfriend because I didn't like people touching my face - honey that wasn't the reason). And then I went to uni and realised - holy shit - there are people who care about the things that affect me. Stuff that's swept under the rug or reduced to lowest-common-denominator home ec presentations - people care about this shit. People dedicate their lives to understanding it and eradicating it and they're respected and intelligent, not just TV hacks or shitty rude counselors with shark teeth. I probably have grown more as a person, become more self sufficient, progressed more in my recovery and inspected myself and my surroundings under the wing of feminism than with the help of any friends, family or doctors. That sounds weird...but it's true. And it was university that introduced that to me.

So yeah - I love gender studies. And I'm real brill at it. I intend to continue studying it as a post grad. And I'm really angry. Because feminism (not that feminism should be confused with gender studies) matters to me. And it doesn't matter to my uni. At all. Not only doesn't it matter, but it's seen as so useless that it's worth intentionally dismantling. These cuts aren't happening to my commerce subjects - of course. I hoodwinked something fierce - Melbourne Uni lulled me into a false sense of security with prestige, a fancy logo and one off subjects that were informative, exciting and important. "God, I can't believe I almost went to make-up school!" God, I can't believe I almost fell for it. I feel like joining some leftist student organisation (although I completely lack the confidence to take part in any student politics) and scrawling on the footpath in chalk "NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK THE UNIVERSITY IS NOT HERE FOR YOU - IT IS HERE FOR ITSELF. STUDENTS IN FACULTIES THAT DON'T WIN NOBEL PRIZES OR MAKE FAMOUS DISCOVERIES THAT CAN BE TRACED BACK TO THE UNIVERSITY OR BRING IN A LOT OF MONEY...DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE." Gender studies made me realise that the things that matter to me are important. Melbourne University has made me realise that no, they aren't. Not to the rest of the world, anyway.

I feel real stupid

I don't expect anyone to read this really. I just have a lot of ~~~feelings~~~